Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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