So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
