it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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