oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can I color on your dick again?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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