I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
