your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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