Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize