There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
