Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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