i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
