the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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