I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
