So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
