MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
