can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
