but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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