I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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