My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Someone shattered a urinal.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
