Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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