Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
