After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
