On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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