You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
