tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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