I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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