I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
