I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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