in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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