I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
