I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
