At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hippo gnu deer
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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