I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
