You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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