So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
