I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
