My sheets look like a crime scene.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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