Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
