Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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