So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
