My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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