i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
