I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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