trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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