why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
