yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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