Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
