Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize