also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
