the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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