I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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