Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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