woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize