i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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