I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
