just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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