I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
