I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am one with the molecules
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
