What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
