she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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