so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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