I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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