mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
