Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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